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I’m a great believer in the ‘reverse role model’ theory. Just as a magnificent sculpture or painting can motivate you to strive for a better standard in your own work, so a really rotten, terrible creation can act as a call to arms: you think, “well, if the person who did that can make a living, there’s hope for me yet.”

So, to ‘inspire’ any would-be sculptors out there - and because there’s not enough laughter in the world – I present a gallery of some of my early, home-grown attempts at the noble art of creature effects. I was in my late teens when I did all this stuff. Ahh, the prime of my life.

If that really is true, my career’s in big trouble.

My first-ever serious attempt at sculpting. It was based on a postage stamp-sized picture in a horror mag of Tom Savini’s Granpa from Texas Chainsaw 2. I think the picture and my sculpture must’ve parted company at some point.

My first slush-latex rubber monster. I remember painting him with oil paints and white spirit, and then wondering why the latex was buckling and warping. Note wayward Bobby Charlton-style comb-over.

Wicked witch mask.

Now why would I want to hide my face?

A claymation character for a student short. “Nah, don’t worry, the fingermarks won’t read on camera.”

Zombie mask. Scary - for all the wrong reasons.

More college filmmaking. This was the head of an evil landlord character that featured in one video. He was made out of cardboard and papier maché, materials mysteriously underused in the contemporary creature effects industry.

Ah well - - at least I was having fun. Happy thing all my work nowadays turns out great…

… dammit.

My bedroom as a teenager - my display shelf. I wish I had a picture of the state of the carpet, because it was thick with trodden-in modelling clay, plaster and spilt latex and paint at this point. I suppose I took it for granted at the time, but in hindsight my parents were really supportive of their son's strange little hobby. They could've just cuffed me round the ear and told me to stop wrecking the house with my nonsense... and they would've been completely justified in doing so. So thanks, Mum and Dad, and sorry about the mess.

You punk kids are probably too busy checking your Twitter feeds on your iPhones to even scoff at this, but when I was growing up they hadn’t invented the Internet yet. That meant that it was really difficult to find out anything about a niche interest like special effects back then. Tom Savini’s how-to guide Grande Illusions was a genuinely life-changing read… but the book was also a complete chance find, on the shelves of the local comic shop. I gleaned a few extra little gems of information about materials and suppliers via roughly-photocopied effects fanzines sold through the small ads column of British horror mags like Fear and The Dark Side. So it was slow, heavy going for someone eager to learn.

Another thing peculiar to the UK in the Eighties was the incredible amount of censorship that films and videos were subjected to. Even landmark, stone-cold classics like The Exorcist, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Evil Dead were banned outright as being unsuitable for… well, anyone really. Luckily the classified section could also put you in touch with some shady bloke with two VHS decks hooked up for bootlegging purposes. “Any 2 films on 1 tape, £15”. I must admit, I never did sample the delights of Frankenstein Island or SS Girls. Quentin Tarantino would probably tell you that they're his favourite films.

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